Vintage dixiblog: Things you don’t really want to hear from your teenaged kids

JUNE 26, 2003

we’re outta booze.

i don’t want to talk about it.

we could get a piercing kit off of ebay.

they have tattoo guns on ebay, too.

i could just practice on places nobody would see.

i think the cat would be cute with pierced ears.

he told me i needed to get laid.

moooooommm ( said in the i-want-something-tone).

having a baby raccoon would be just like having another cat.

somehow, it seems like all my dates are on medication.

i have to drive, because he has warrants out.

i don’t want to get my cat fixed. i think having a bunch of kittens would be cool.

mom, don’t get mad…

what’s for dinner, woman?

i want to join the marines. i think it would be cool to roll around in the dirt and play with guns and explosives.

i’d like to start using birth control, just so i could develop good habits.

but you said…

i just wanted to see what a joint looks like, you know, so i know what to stay away from. i’m serious.

when you see your doctor next time, you really should ask about that pms thing. no offense, but the way you get it’s not normal.

*These were all things I actually heard.

Mom’s Bringing Me Stuff

Told you Mom’s been cleaning out her stuff via my living room. Here’s some of what she brought me. She didn’t know I was going to use the sewing machine for making Tarot bags and the desk for doing readings. Didn’t ask. And that, my friends, is example of a success communication strategy with parents and adult children: don’t ask what you don’t want to know, and they won’t tell you.

Tips for Stealing Your Kids’ Easter Candy

When our kids were little, like most kids, they got too much candy for Easter. Hyperactive little munchkins anyway, right? They’d gobble some, and when they slowed down, we’d put the rest away for later. Usually, there was part or most of the chocolate Easter bunny left over. Into the fridge it goes.

Then, a conscientious parent would do their parental duty to save the child from the obesity epidemic (and a potentially annoying sugar buzz): sneak into the kitchen when the kid is busy watching TV, and snap a piece of that Easter Bunny’s ears right off for a quick snack. As long as you avoid easily identifiable parts and don’t suddenly behead a previously intact bunny torso, nobody’s any the wiser.

Unless you’re like I was, back in my sugar-eating days, and lacking a little in self-control. Continue reading Tips for Stealing Your Kids’ Easter Candy

Conversations with my Honey Series: Controversial (Again)

“I’m afraid I’m writing something controversial again, Honey,” my husband tells me. (It’s been a topic here lately, since sometimes free speech gets ugly. It makes folks uncomfortable, speaking out for principles like free speech as worthy of defense, despite the unworthiness of  ideas expressed. The whole issue bypasses reasoning and heads straight for the gut.)

“Oh yeah?” I’m not especially surprised. He’s always been one to say what he thinks; I treasure honesty.

“Yeah…it’s got something in there for everybody to hate…I don’t go out of my way to be controversial.” He ponders. “It’s just how I think. I have controversial thoughts.” Continue reading Conversations with my Honey Series: Controversial (Again)

Long Distance Mothering

My daughter is a long ways away–and going through some stressful times. Nothing she can’t handle, and nothing that’s not pretty much normal for a kid who’s moved out of the house for the time. The kind of stuff every adult has to deal with at some point or another.

I’m talking to my husband at dinner.

“I know she’s going to be okay, but I hate to see her struggle. When she was at home, I could make things easier for her. I can’t do much for her now. I want to make it go away for her…”

“It builds character,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Who’s? Hers or mine?” Continue reading Long Distance Mothering